He fights his brother, his mother, his dad. He fights his sister, his best friends his BM. But he won't fight me. Let me rephrase that, he won't fight for me. He won't fight for us. I never really asked for him to fight for me, but the unintentional act is what is driving me crazy. I guess it is more the fact that his final actions are confirming what I believed all along, he didn't care about me enough. (Ok, insert your favorite quote from the book, or the movie if you saw it).
Have you ever heard the saying, let it go and if it is meant to be, it will return to you? Let go and let God.
You know what, I just had a change of heart. Every last one of the ones I loved, has let me go easily...bull***, now I am pissed. At first I was reflecting...now I am mad..I am going to sleep.
Anything worth having is worth fighting for right?.......
Saturday, February 21, 2009
From Myspace: March 23, 2008
Fear is the biggest part of letting go. It is the biggest part of holding on. Fear makes things comfortable, and refuses to allow for any kind of freedom. It is stifling, suffocating, and stupid. Something that holds no power of its own, has so much power in trying to cause confusion and constraint. I am glad to say I have survived my tribulations of the last three months, and now that I am on the otherside of things, there are still some very pressing issues I have to deal with. I am alone, because I fear it. feeling like I need to face it head on, I confine myself to be isolated and sometimes cut off from the rest of the world, keeping my circle to a bare minimum. I am starting to understand its not healthy. Cuz we all need someone in times of need, and someone to help us snap out of reality or bring us into fantasy, which ever is needed at the appropriate times. But not just anyone will do......not just anyone will do.
Fear is the biggest part of letting go. It is the biggest part of holding on. Fear makes things comfortable, and refuses to allow for any kind of freedom. It is stifling, suffocating, and stupid. Something that holds no power of its own, has so much power in trying to cause confusion and constraint. I am glad to say I have survived my tribulations of the last three months, and now that I am on the otherside of things, there are still some very pressing issues I have to deal with. I am alone, because I fear it. feeling like I need to face it head on, I confine myself to be isolated and sometimes cut off from the rest of the world, keeping my circle to a bare minimum. I am starting to understand its not healthy. Cuz we all need someone in times of need, and someone to help us snap out of reality or bring us into fantasy, which ever is needed at the appropriate times. But not just anyone will do......not just anyone will do.
He don't Love you
From Myspace: March 27, 2008
So I have been thinking alot lately, like usual. I have a lot of males as friends, alot....not the privileged type, like they have access on lonely nights, but that they spill out emotions when they r drunk, or need a shoulder. I have always been in that role, but never really paid attention, until now.....I am startign to put the pieces together, we only take as much as we can take, and they will give as much as we allow them to give. They love to fit in where they can... I must admit, some of my guys r down right hoes, and rude, and mean, and irresponsible, and inconsiderate and immature. They tell me how they would never provide for the girl they are seeing now, how sleeping around is what they want to do, and no one will get in the way of playtime. I understand it is a phase and they will grow out of it, but we as women need to stop letting them. As soon as he says he doesn’t want a relationship, let it go. Walk away...if a relationship is what you want. Cuz you will spend more time in trying to get a relationship, that actually being in one. Or, be completely honest with yourself, and realize, that he is a good fuck, and he can satisfy what u need for 5, 10, 15..and maybe if your lucky 20 minutes....No need to explain the reasons, or make up a story, no need for excuses....Admit what it is, it is ok, hes good in bed, maybe not for anythign else, but hes good in bed.......save yourself hurt, and pain, and drama. As soon as you are ready to let go, you will. A man that is in love however, acts differentlly, because a man that wants you, wants to keep you. Not just in line with the others but at the top, above the rest. There is no limit to what a man will do for the woman he loves. Look at my lighter ancesters..the Latinos’....they adore their women. Because he wants to keep her happy, her happiness is his happiness. A woman who loves her man, knows that he is doing what he can to provide for her. She doesnt have to nag, she doesn’t have to stand over him. She allows him to b a man, and gives him room to do it.... k....more to come when I wake up...
So I have been thinking alot lately, like usual. I have a lot of males as friends, alot....not the privileged type, like they have access on lonely nights, but that they spill out emotions when they r drunk, or need a shoulder. I have always been in that role, but never really paid attention, until now.....I am startign to put the pieces together, we only take as much as we can take, and they will give as much as we allow them to give. They love to fit in where they can... I must admit, some of my guys r down right hoes, and rude, and mean, and irresponsible, and inconsiderate and immature. They tell me how they would never provide for the girl they are seeing now, how sleeping around is what they want to do, and no one will get in the way of playtime. I understand it is a phase and they will grow out of it, but we as women need to stop letting them. As soon as he says he doesn’t want a relationship, let it go. Walk away...if a relationship is what you want. Cuz you will spend more time in trying to get a relationship, that actually being in one. Or, be completely honest with yourself, and realize, that he is a good fuck, and he can satisfy what u need for 5, 10, 15..and maybe if your lucky 20 minutes....No need to explain the reasons, or make up a story, no need for excuses....Admit what it is, it is ok, hes good in bed, maybe not for anythign else, but hes good in bed.......save yourself hurt, and pain, and drama. As soon as you are ready to let go, you will. A man that is in love however, acts differentlly, because a man that wants you, wants to keep you. Not just in line with the others but at the top, above the rest. There is no limit to what a man will do for the woman he loves. Look at my lighter ancesters..the Latinos’....they adore their women. Because he wants to keep her happy, her happiness is his happiness. A woman who loves her man, knows that he is doing what he can to provide for her. She doesnt have to nag, she doesn’t have to stand over him. She allows him to b a man, and gives him room to do it.... k....more to come when I wake up...
Bricks
From Myspace: June 20, 2009
It feels like its sitting in the bottom of my stomach. It started out as a pebble I swallowed a few months ago. I had never done it before, and this time I thought I would take a chance and see what it tasted like. I licked the edge, just to make sure I wanted to do it, and it wasn't that bad. So, I licked it again. Now the taste was a lil chalky, but it was bearable. So I swallowed it whole.....didn't take time to savor the feeling, just took it in one big bite....and i was satisfied...for the first time in my life, I was satisfied and full.....I just wish satisfaction had found favor with me...cuz, almost immediately, I started to have regrets, wanted to just vomit it back out. The churning in my stomach was unbearable and I couldn't take it anymore...I tried alka-seltzer, ginger-ale, 7UP, Sprite..Martinelli's Sparklin Apple Cider. I laid on all fours, hoping it would pass like gas.....but to no avail...I was in pain. I thought it tasted so sweet....but then I remembered that sweetness was the kool-aid I chased it with...So here I am again, sitting with this brick in my stomach, and I have no idea, how to get it out.....Maybe this time..all I gotta do is open my mouth.........
It feels like its sitting in the bottom of my stomach. It started out as a pebble I swallowed a few months ago. I had never done it before, and this time I thought I would take a chance and see what it tasted like. I licked the edge, just to make sure I wanted to do it, and it wasn't that bad. So, I licked it again. Now the taste was a lil chalky, but it was bearable. So I swallowed it whole.....didn't take time to savor the feeling, just took it in one big bite....and i was satisfied...for the first time in my life, I was satisfied and full.....I just wish satisfaction had found favor with me...cuz, almost immediately, I started to have regrets, wanted to just vomit it back out. The churning in my stomach was unbearable and I couldn't take it anymore...I tried alka-seltzer, ginger-ale, 7UP, Sprite..Martinelli's Sparklin Apple Cider. I laid on all fours, hoping it would pass like gas.....but to no avail...I was in pain. I thought it tasted so sweet....but then I remembered that sweetness was the kool-aid I chased it with...So here I am again, sitting with this brick in my stomach, and I have no idea, how to get it out.....Maybe this time..all I gotta do is open my mouth.........
Monday, February 16, 2009
Like the storm, it comes with tears.
I've been up all day, on my laptop, and quite honestly, I can't tell you what I have accomplished. Other than setting up my netvibes, photobucket, blogspot, and twitter accounts (ask me if I remember the passwords), I have been very unproductive. I can't tell you how many times I have picked up my phones, wondering why they haven't buzzed. Today was very uneventful. To top it off, I have nothing to write about. I could talk about the rain, and how it was beating on the window this morning. I could write about the cold, I had to put on two pairs of socks last night, in order to stay warm. But, these are so boring.
My life isn't like this on a normal basis, but I feel like I just let go of a lot of drama, that there is nothing left to speak about. I mean how many times can I describe how I trusted someone with my heart, only for them to disappoint me? If I continue to speak on it, I look like the fool, right? Well, not today. I won't discuss it. I won't go into detail. Maybe tomorrow, that is, if I am not feeling as bad as today....I might have more of a reflection....
My life isn't like this on a normal basis, but I feel like I just let go of a lot of drama, that there is nothing left to speak about. I mean how many times can I describe how I trusted someone with my heart, only for them to disappoint me? If I continue to speak on it, I look like the fool, right? Well, not today. I won't discuss it. I won't go into detail. Maybe tomorrow, that is, if I am not feeling as bad as today....I might have more of a reflection....
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