Á Snipet from Martin Luther King

Tomorrow maybe to late, don't let anyone make u think, that God chose america as his divine messianic force to be to be a sort of police of the whole world. God has a way of standing before the nations w judgement and it seems...u are too arragant, sometimes it means being frustrated when u tell the truth and take a stand, losing a job, means being abused and scorned, having 8 yr old child...asking y do u go to jail so much...being a follower of jesus, is taking up the cross....that e must bear, bear it for truth, justic..and peace...let us go out with that determination....do not lose faith.

GOOD MUSIC!!! (originally posted April 25th, 2006)

U know sometimes great music is tight!!I'm uploading alot of my CD's on my mac, and then playing oldies I had stashed away. I went thru Rahsaan Patterson's first CD, and many people don't remember who he is, but he wrote alot of hits in the past, like Brandy's first album and then RayJ's first album, the green one. Then I bounced back to Stevie Wonder. If u really know me, U know I have a stevie wonder song I can pull out for everything that's going on in life. Today's theme would be As If You Read My Mind from Hotter Than July. As If You Read My Mind

Close your eyes til the morning
Close your eyes til the early dew
Get inside what you've been missing
Are the very first words that I heard coming from you
Take a chance on the secret
That you hide for beneath your dreams
Use your wildest imagination
You just tell me what it is and I will make it be

As if you read my mind
As if you touched my soul
As if you knew exactly where I wanted to go

Let's get high on the happy
With a toast to you and me
Love is here just for the giving
And between us we've got all the love we'll ever need
As if you read my mind
As if you touched my soul
As if you knew exactly where I wanted to go

Then I brought it back to that transition between elementary and middle school with Tony! Toni! Tone! Lovin You....um, it's about the music people, all about the music!!

I am a Work In Progress (Originally posted May 31, 2006)

They say victory is won with blood, sweat and tears.
Well I cried and almost died.
And I'm still here.
In battle we come out with a few bruises.
Perhaps even a lost limb or two.
Well I fought and continued to trust,
And God sees me thru.
Wearing emotions just beneath the surface
I bleed raw.
It's just an old wound,
Not a new scar
I can still claim victory,
While I'm holding broken me
Although in small pieces, my smile covers so u don't see
I can still claim Victory is on my side,
I was struggling in pain awake late one night,
No one but God around to witness this sight.
To try to deliver a being without life.
between the two of us, we created three,
somehow thru it all it still remains just me
And I still claim victory.
I can still claim victory

The Reason I Stopped (originally posted June 19, 2006)

You see too much of me.
I'm not ready to give that much to you.
Already given the best part of me.
But you're not convinced how much I loved you.
Unsure of what I think u need to see,
I withdraw from u completely.
Maybe someone else can understand.
Took some time to get thru to me
but I ran, so startying over is a must
Not the same as we used to be
I believe we lost the innocence of trust
I tell myself I can't get too deep,
Need to keep a way out
Remember what happened the last time
Incase this turns to something horrible
I still keep to myself at times
Another heartbreak would be unbearable.

In a Perfect World Things Are Spoken (Originally September 1, 2007)

She lays her head on his chest
inhales a deep breath,
knowing that this will be hard.
He senses she's under some stress
and tries his best
to relax her mind and her heart.
She opens her mouth
but the words won't come out
only tears and a silent cry,
He holds her real close
and wishes and hopes
its what she needs to feel alright.
Under her breath she mutters 2 words
Knowing it will crush his world.
She feels his body go cold,
maybe she shouldn't have told
but the look in his eyes says otherwise.
He tells her

I've known for awhile
you were pregnant with my child.
I was unsure of what you wanted to do.
But whatever it is
I got u,
u know I love you

A slight mutter escapes her lips
as he leans over for a kiss
she said

That's not the part
that's got me messed up
but in order to move past
I gotta fess up.
Been seeing a guy
for about a month or two
not sure who the daddy is,
Its either him or you.
I'm praying that my mistake
will be forgiven by God.
And I'll understand if you leave,
cuz I'm making it hard.
You're the man of my dreams
u take good care of me,
but something inside
is holding on to insecurities.
I'm trying to believe
that what we got can work,
but at times I feel
I'll still be hurt.
U don't come home like u used to
and squeeze me tight.
U crawl in the bed
without even a goodnight
By the break of daylight
I awake to cold sheets,
missing the conversations we had
when our eyes would meet.
Now I'm longing for that closeness
we used to share together
and our relationship is headed
for a lot of tough weather.
I apologize for steppin out on you,
its not in my spirit.
I should've left when i had the chance
instead of putting u in it.

Still embracing her in his arms, he stiffens his body to her response.

I understand what I've been putting you through,
I'm sorry, I never meant to hurt you.
But the fact is I've been pulling away.
My father taught me that a man always stays.
Regardless of the fights and stress,
a man doesn't run from his problems....
but then again he doesn't confess.
Baby I feel the distance growing between us,
and now its my turn to clear the air.
I'm a lot of bit responsible for those feelings being there.
Remember when I went to Jersey and let u stay behind?
Well I went with more than inocent intentions in mind.
I went back to my ex, to test the waters
see what I might be missing.
After a few hours of talking,
I stayed the night and we started kissing.
Cuz I knew it was wrong I left,
I couldn't do that to you.
But ever since that day,
I found myself changing my mood.
It had nothing to do with you,
cuz you've been nothing but sweet,
but I need to find resolution in me.

HIGH (Orignally posted January 11, 2007)

got me high off contact, wondering what the feelin'll be, if i get a little closer, take a puff. just one. mind's clouded, mixed up blessing with curse, r u coming to stay, or just for the night? Seems like a different kinda vibe that's uninterpretted yet clearly understood. No need for words to mess up this, this, this, thing. Fingertips aching for the moment to express, lips trembling waiting for write moment to speak, speech slurred and fumbling on words. It's too heavy for I alone to carry. It can't be real if I'm the only one who knows. For imaginations in my head can lead to a wrong conclusion. Which is why I stay away from the billowing of smoke, I'm just high off contact, not willing to b close.

A Discussion with Love (Originally posted June 18, 2007)

I'd like to meet LOVE, and have a face to face discussion. Tell him to stop wearing bright colors on Monday, and black on Wednesdays, the costume changes are confusing. Love is blinding to me...He needs to just sit down and stop bouncing around, making too many moves without me. Saying its to get my attention, and if I really want it, its in my grasp, I tell him he has too many friends. He needs to stop the association with Abuse and Neglect, cuz their not looking out for his best interests. Love says they met in grade school, and "them his boys," so he cant just turn away. Abuse was there when he couldn't speak his mind, and the people around wouldn't respect, but Neglect was the friend who helped him escape, instead of facing it, he'd help him run away. He blames it on the man, saying his purpose has been misunderstood, even feared. Tired of being the scapegoat, he says he hides himself to protect himself. I say its cuz he's not ready. Not fully understanding his own worth, yes he is hiding, but he's hiding behind his own lies, and not living to full potential, as a result, I settle, "hey a lil LOVE is better than no LOVE, right?" Naw, I won't buy it, I can't buy it, I'm too broke to pay the price.. I expect more out of him, cuz I know what he is, what he can do........

Something New (originally posted October 16, 2007)

I was feeling good, and I guess it was glowing around me, cuz he spoke. He laughed at the fact that I almost tripped. Here I am playing grown woman in shoes that are too big for my size 7's...But he noticed. We spoke all night, everytime I passed him, he had a comment for me. He needed water, I went on a mission to find it. When the catering staff said they were out, I felt bad that I couldn't come thru. But it was ok, I gave him the rest of mine. I watched him slowly drink and felt good that I helped quench his thirst. Stevie walked in the room, and he had to tend to Mr. Wonder's personal matters. I let him go to work, as I posted at the check in table. Greeting guests was fun, but I was high off this initial contact with this 6'9 thickness. I chopped it to harmless flirting..thought they all do it, he just wants a lil taste. Until later in the evening. Party cleared out, it was a success despite all the financial problems we were running into only hours before. He leaves his post and we engage in a little conversation. He compiments my attire, which revealed my best assets, not too much tho. He looks in my eyes and asks questions that are normally saved for the first date. I guess he is trying to skip past the awkwardness that will follow. I answer honestly, no need to lie to a stranger I will never see again. He leaves, I feel giddy, he watches me, I feel giddy. He returns to me....and says to call him.

I DON'T!!!! I'm not that easy.....

Fast forward.....this past weekend. Out of town on business, anticipating a visit from a friend, I already know he won't come thru, but I'm holding onto that hope. Faith is a funny thing, we have it for all the wrong reasons sometimes. So, while I am sulking at the fact that my premonitions are right, feeling like a little healing needs to take place, I delve into my work. Might as well be productive if I can't get into trouble....As I am walking into the production office, I see this man in the corner, with a hat on. I know it's my friend from that night. What are the odds....Needless to say we spent 4 days in close quarters, and not once did I push that envelope. I couldn't do it. I wanted to, but I had to resist, cuz once I let it go, I couldn't get it back...Now, I am back in LA, and the reality of it, is that I need to cal him. At least find out what he is like outside of work. What the potential could be. I know how to contact him...and I want to, but I'm hesitant, like always......He likes the way I walk away, I like how he comes to my level, He likes my smile, I like his height. He loves my silouhette, I love his voice, low and deep..................

In this Moment (Originally posted November 1, 2007)

Imagine being in love with someone for years. Imagine them loving you as well. Imagine never speaking those words out of your mouth. Imagine feeling confused as if the love is one sided, and there is nothing you can do. Imagine giving up on that possibility, and now someone else is taking up your time. He is cool, seems pretty nice. Imagine that at the very moment you are ready to give your heart away...Imagine the love of your life wakes up, and confesses their innermost desires. Imagine the feeling of hopelessness fade away. Imagine the pain you are about to deliver, because there is no way you can stay in a situation when you know you want to be somewhere else. WELL....that is me....Imagine he is your best friend. The one who has seen you thru the rough days. The one who was there to help you out. He was your safety net, who would catch u when u fell, lend a hand to help pick you up. The person you are, is directly related to him..and what he has done for you.....Imagine being terrified at the possibility, because the one who has never hurt you is now moving into a position to strike the mightiest blow......could be fatal. But, then again...who knows.............It could be warmer than the last day of spring, Comforting like watching the rain fall on the window while your neatly tucked in bed....He still loves me, again, like no other. If I had a list, he would be number 1 thru 10, and the then the list would end.....Just imagine.....

Origina Love ( originally posted November 1, 2007)

He opened my eyes. Told me to take a good look at myself. Said there is too much of myself that I am not realizing as great potential. I looked at him and had no idea what the hell he was talking about. I was confident, and felt like I was past the hurt and pain. He said he loved me, I said I loved him too. Then he asked why? I froze. No one ever asked me why before. I knew in that moment, I lost him. There were too many reasons in my head, and all were fighting for the chance to escape my lips. If only I said the first one..."Because of who you are"...or even the second one.."because you love me"..or the third..."you protect me", "you show me, you guide me" or even, "because that is the only thing I know to do with you." Anyone of those would have worked, right? Maybe. But instead, I fell silent and never spoke of it again........
Until yesterday
I was reminded of just how many ways I love you. I was intrigued at the possibility of being able to show you, just how I love you. I don't want to toot my own horn, but my love is healing, if you allow me into that place. For just a moment, I was able to see how it can be, and I was amazed by the vision. That someone as wonderful as u are, could be with someone as lovely as myself. I am starting to see me, and who I am to you. Forgive me if I take things a little slower than I normally would. Be patient........only for a little while. You mean too much to me, for me to ruin it.....

I;m not afraid 2008 (originally posted March 23, 2008)

Fear is the biggest part of letting go. It is the biggest part of holding on. Fear makes things comfortable, and refuses to allow for any kind of freedom. It is stifling, suffocating, and stupid. Something that holds no power of its own, has so much power in trying to cause confusion and constraint. I am glad to say I have survived my tribulations of the last three months, and now that I am on the otherside of things, there are still some very pressing issues I have to deal with. I am alone, because I fear it. feeling like I need to face it head on, I confine myself to be isolated and sometimes cut off from the rest of the world, keeping my circle to a bare minimum. I am starting to understand its not healthy. Cuz we all need someone in times of need, and someone to help us snap out of reality or bring us into fantasy, which ever is needed at the appropriate times. But not just anyone will do......not just anyone will do.

the goodness (posted for candiss on May 14, 2008)

cuz when I wake up in the morning....he is right there beside me, and at night before I fall asleep he listens to my dreams...holding me like a baby, rockin the nightmares away....thats y I call it the goodness....it appears when all else has failed, when hope is far off in the distance...goodness appears like a light at night, coming to awaken my soul...it is he who makes me smile, makes me laugh...keeps me on my toes...he is here...the one I've waited for......

Bricks (originally written June 30, 2008)

It feels like its sitting in the bottom of my stomach. It started out as a pebble I swallowed a few months ago. I had never done it before, and this time I thought I would take a chance and see what it tasted like. I licked the edge, just to make sure I wanted to do it, and it wasn't that bad. So, I licked it again. Now the taste was a lil chalky, but it was bearable. So I swallowed it whole.....didn't take time to savor the feeling, just took it in one big bite....and i was satisfied...for the first time in my life, I was satisfied and full.....I just wish satisfaction had found favor with me...cuz, almost immediately, I started to have regrets, wanted to just vomit it back out. The churning in my stomach was unbearable and I couldn't take it anymore...I tried alka-seltzer, ginger-ale, 7UP, Sprite..Martinelli's Sparklin Apple Cider. I laid on all fours, hoping it would pass like gas.....but to no avail...I was in pain. I thought it tasted so sweet....but then I remembered that sweetness was the kool-aid I chased it with...So here I am again, sitting with this brick in my stomach, and I have no idea, how to get it out.....Maybe this time..all I gotta do is open my mouth.........